A difficult pattern

 I have been experiencing trauma all of my life. My very earliest memory is of being smothered. I have no

context of the occurrence other than abject fear. I've no idea how old I was. 

There was a horrible incident when I was three. I've had vague memories of huddling in a closet and willing my baby brother not to cry out and let the man know we were there. I can recall a commotion downstairs and the desperate screams of my mother. It was years later that my father let drop that an intruder had broken in and assaulted my mother. 

My third earliest memory very difficult ---- trigger warning ---- I was sexually assaulted at sometime between 3 and 5. To this day certain smells still horrify me. I recall threats to kill my little brother in the same room if I didn't submit.

I would feel worthless the rest of my life.

I was gang raped on the night of my High School Grad party. I went from feel worthless to sexually promiscuous as I searched desperately for social acceptance and approval.

Some years later I joined the Navy. It was very unpleasant. I won't get into descriptions only that sexual harassment and assaults were common.

No wonder I have felt worthless, dirty, and been everyone's doormat for the 58 years of my life